Currently I have three blog posts sitting in my drafts. I have tried to come up with something to write about in my sleep deprived state for several weeks. I realized yesterday actually that Judah was almost FIVE months old. Its like time is slipping away from me, its slipping right through my fingertips. Four months into this whole parenting thing, I never realized how much of myself I could give. I didn’t realize how my love for Judah and Aaron could grow every single day. So, with that I simply want to write about what it has been like these first four months and how it has changed not just me, but my entire family having Judah in our lives.
The Days are Long
I never truly understood the saying, “the days are long but the years are short.” until Judah was born. It seems like yesterday my water broke suddenly at home and we were headed to the hospital. Now, I have a baby who grabs my hair, squeals, laughs, and is practically sitting on his own. What I also have is a baby who is teething, who is going through a regression trying to get over this developmental leap, a baby who is eating more than I can keep up with and is clingy. The days sometimes are very long. There are many days I feel like all I do is bounce, lay him down, go to the bathroom, and by that time he has woken up again. Yet, when I see him smiling at me, and more recently reaching for me I know that it is all worth it.
Each and every day is a day that I can learn more about myself and about Judah. It is absolutely amazing to see how babies have their own tiny personality. I can already see the type of person he will be. Luckily for me, its not high strung like someone I know… cough cough (me) but gentle, laid back, and silly like his daddy. Somehow every day, I see this tiny smile and it makes me stronger. I often recall that this time 365 days ago I was in a dark place. I was so sick, I would cry all day telling Aaron that I would never make it through and I was terrified to become a mom. Here I am 365 days later, looking down at Judah as he plays with his toys, we make eye contact and he smiles at me. In this moment I know that the days are long, but I will look back years from now with fondness remembering the smiles and the giggles.
Most of us throughout our lives have seen a strong mom or motherly figure. Whether that be in our own life, friends lives, maybe even at school, work, or church. These moms hold it down. They seem to have superpowers. They run on coffee and prayers. I never ever imagined myself as one of these moms. I barely imagined myself as just a mom. I find myself pushing a little extra, putting a little more effort in at the end of the day when I feel like I have nothing more to give. When I hear Judah crying in his crib at 3am, I don’t huff and puff my way there, I quickly go to his side and comfort him. I truly believe when babies are born, mom’s super powers are born also. Women are known to be master multitaskers, there have been multiple studies done that a woman’s brain can think and accomplish more things at one time then men can. *Go us!*
That is why we can work full time, come home take care of our babes, go to school, write blogs, make dinner, run a business, and balance a book on our head at the same time! I’ve found these multi tasking powers over the last four months, but that still doesn’t mean that I don’t get exhausted. There are some days where I’d like to go back to being 9 months pregnant for a few hours so I can take a nap. Judah has taught me so much about myself, I thought I knew myself pretty well, I thought I knew my limits. I don’t think I am the only mom who has felt this way either.
The first four month has also taught me that a tiny baby can have more body fluids than you’ve ever seen. Judah has spit up, pooped, and slobbered on more things and people then I’d like to admit. He is a relatively calm kid, yet he screams so high pitched when he is excited I have oftentimes felt like my ear drums are going to burst. I have realized that I’m comfortable enough to not wear makeup to work because the extra 5 minutes of putting it on means 5 less minutes I could be sleeping, and most days the thing I vaguely remember as sleep is hard to come by. I am in the process of learning to let go, to let the dishes go one more day, to let the chores, or the laundry sit for a few more hours so I can snuggle with Judah. These first four months are shaping who I am going to be as a mom.
A Lifetime to Go
In conclusion to my ramblings, the first four months of parenthood has been eye opening and exhausting. It has taught me more about myself then I could have ever imagined. Every day I wake up to snuggle with my boy, and I kiss his forehead. I am intentional about how I spend my time with him because I know he’s going to be running around with me chasing right behind him before I know it. I oftentimes hold back tears when I swaddle him up and rock him to sleep, I find myself choked up because of his innocence and how I never want him to lose that.
I wouldn’t say becoming a mom has made me complete, I firmly believe that I am complete in who I am as Amanda and who God defines that I am, but Judah has made our family complete. Aaron and I have grown to love each other more deeply while loving our son. It has caused us to reevaluate everything that is important to us, so we can make the best life for him. I know that I only have a short time to raise my boy to have a true impact on the world, but I pray every single day that his life will be filled with purpose, he will feel loved and understood at every turn, even when it is difficult.
I know he has helped me understand who I am and what I am meant to do in this life. I’m just glad we have a whole lifetime to go.